I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
