Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize