you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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