All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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