I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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