I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
