Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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