i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My life is pants optional.
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