I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
