he shaved USA in his pubs
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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