If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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