Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
