Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
