Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
