I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
