Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
