I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I look better un-naked...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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