see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
