I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
