Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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