oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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