I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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