Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we're making bets on your personal life
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
