mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
