she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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