Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just tell him i said nine months
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
