No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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