Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
