I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
