I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
