I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
