I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
