If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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