I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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