If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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