So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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