hotel room ftw
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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