you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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