I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
