So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
