My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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