Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
