I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize