Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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