but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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