We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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