My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
