i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
