I faked an abortion last night.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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