i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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