I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
