im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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