oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize