Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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