using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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