I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
