i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you will always have a special place in my vag
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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