I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
