dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
