Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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